sabotage.

so-hello there.

here i am….again.

where i am right this very moment in my life is in front of the computer, Johnny Cash on spotify, coffee at 11:05 pm, and the phenomenon of sabotage spiraling through my head like a thorny vine puncturing every neuro-transmitter in my tiny brain.

sabotage. damn.

what does it look like? what does it feel like? does it have a face? and does it cease to exist without our participation? is it independent in itself? is sabotage its own generator or must it depend on us to give it life? did it exist before us or did it follow after our creation of it?

hmmm. i dunno.

i DO know sabotage is in my face right now. i also know its about time for me to go pound for pound and knock it the f* out. i know that sabotage is not going to the gym when i know it would clear my mind and strengthen my body to do so. i know sabotage is not brushing my pearly whites before bed because im too sleepy. i know sabotage is sitting on my numb ass mindlessly wasting life and energy on facebook completely unaware of what im even looking at. and sabotage has many more repugnant and dangerous faces (i wont go into mine here).

sabotage comes to visit me when i am about to take flight. or better yet, in this case, after i have taken flight- sabotage wants me to look down below and it would have me realize i am afraid of heights. unsteady wings in flight would then ensue toward a crash and burn. yup, thats it.

what i have gained in my years of trial, error, harm and foul is that i am sitting here, fully aware of when that beast-faced sabotage comes to taunt me. when i can feel “sabotage” on my six-i pay close attention. when “sabotage” then graduates to flanking me-i pay even closer attention. i let it get right in my face. i acknowledge it, give it a smart-ass grin, then walk through it turning it into a mere vapor. poof. gone.

i cant say that i am 100% every time on point, but now my senses alert me to sabotage. i am no longer an ignorant victim to it-to allow it to happen then cry about it later. i’m too old for that stupidity. i’m grown.

i guess i am, in a round about way, in gratitude with Mr. Cash right now knowing whats going on and aware of my life right now. there have been many periods in which i have been utterly unconscious. so the long of the short is that i am grateful right in this moment.

i dont really have an end, middle or beginning to this post. its simply just this.

til next time

n.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”      -Marianne Williamson